digitalle

yeah, REALLY needed that fender bender tonight.
THANKS LIFE, GLAD YOU'RE WATCHING OUT FOR ME.

(i'm actually doing pretty good, but livejournal is for the negative.)

hunter has a sad.

the blood is hot as it riots in this frigid chest.
i warm, i swell, my structure fails,
i burst, i melt, i pool.
it pounds erratically and unsure.
it spills in a dark empty room.
you will not see.

back to hopelessness.
familiar ground, like coming home.
leaving a torch for you in the hearth
instead of lighting a wildfire and trying to keep the house from burning down.

the sap is hot as you rampage this forest.
i char, i flicker, my structure fails,
i blacken, i blister, i wither.
the burnt-out trunk stands in the wake of your heat.
the bark will grow back quickly.
you will not see.

i am scorched pine,
pining, wondering how the flame licked at this wood,
but it's all smoke now.
were you just following the wind?
my roots draw deep and grow me new skin.

feelings are boring. kissing is awesome.
feelings are boring. kissing is awesome.
feelings are boring. kissing is awesome.

i forget this every now and again,
but then i remember and it's all good.

related thoughts:
drama is boring, but hilarious when it becomes transparent.
"i didn't have sex because i wanted drama. i had sex because i wanted sex." -mads

unrelated thought:
i find plenty of meaning in my life, but i'm skeptical about the meaning everyone else finds.

i want to be meek for him.

Me: I need cock! Last time I was at this bar I got hella laid!
Nico: You neglect that Jeremy and I have cock.
Jeremy: I am pretty effeminate.
Me: I demand cock!
Nico: You have never demanded my cock.
Me: I demand cock!
Joey: *enter scene*
Nico: Joey! Give your cock to Hunter!
Hunter: Uh what.
Joey: Uh what.
Nico: Joey! Do it!
Joey: I have a girlfriend!
Hunter: I have to get up very very early tomorrow!
Hunter and Joey: We are not having sex!
Hunter and Joey: *fistbump*
End scene.

so many flaming bridges behind me

potato soup - attempt 2:

5 potatoes
2 cups soy milk
halved carrot sticks
rosemary
garlic
cayenne

fry 2 potatoes
cook 3 potatoes in the microwave
blend with soy milk and spices
add fried potatoes

you still eat at me.
it STILL HURTS
even when i hate you
for everything you never gave me

Well I wrote you a letter
but I tore it up
Then I wrote another
letter and I tore it up
Stare up at the ball game
On the TV screen
If you care to find me
You'll know where I'll be

And then they play that song I love
And I feel like I just can't lose
I feel like I should call you up
But I'll stay here all night
'Till I get it right

I'm down
I'm down
I'm down
I'm down

And then they play that song I love
And I feel like I just can't lose
I feel like I should call you up
But I'll stay here all night
'Till I get it right

And then they play that song I hate
And I feel like I just can't win
I'm breakin' down
The room begins to spin
I'll stay here all night
'Till I get it right

i'm drunk.
and i'm telling truths.
i have the best roommate in the world and she tells me the truths.
truths are good.
why are people so surprised by it?

why on EARTH would i want to see him?

Well, I got my first application in, except for letters of recommendation, last weekend. I think I can use the same basic essays, tweaked to fit the different programs, over and over again. I took care of the GRE a while ago (September 11, for good luck), so it's nice to have that off the table.

Eleven apps left.

I did a budget for my academic expenses for the next six months, and it's a little ridiculous. Including application fees, GRE scores, transcripts, letter of recommendation service, one college visit, and flight & registration for one conference, it's over $2,000. That's half of my quarterly income.

On the bright side, I am going to a conference. I spent the summer doing research at UCLA and I submitted a poster to the Society for Research on Adolescence conference - technically two, since I'm last author on another. They were both accepted and I'll be sharing a room with my advisor here's other grad students. The potential for hijinks is high.

This quarter is killing me a little. Two research projects, a seminar, a regular class, and grad apps. And work. It's like taking six classes. Next quarter I'll be wrapping up the projects, taking a grad class and a regular class, doing grant apps, and work. I do not know when to quit. Fortunately my low-commitment social life allows for some flexibility. And grad school is a lot of work, so this is probably good preparation for it.

I really hope I get into good schools.

suck it, past life.
do not meet me at montauk.

i'm throwing a wedding just for the hell of it.

i didn't think he'd go for it anyway.
another one relegated to "crazy bitch ex" status.

for the sake of benign coexistence i reached out.
not to defend myself, or because i missed him, or because i wanted anything.
i know he felt horribly when i cut him out all those months ago.
i, in turn, feel settled in the knowledge that i will not be allowed back in.
we know where we stand.

that's that.

i sent tatro what i want to be a peace offering.
something clicked and the hurt was gone.
something else clicked and i understood why he did what he did, and why i did what i did.

did well on the GRE.

spent time with heather.
it was ... satisfying, settling.
i feel more peaceful.

drank to celebrate my excellent day at zami.
good people, good times.
i like buffy now.

the distress was brief, though sharp.
hint: don't point out my personality flaws right before an important test.
in reaction, i will perpetuate the (different) personality flaws enumerated to me a few days ago.
and work on them another time 'cause bitch i'm busy.

by which i mean, ways in which i am weak.

1. i have self-discipline problems.
2. i am a total sucker for attention and affection.
3. i find it exhausting to be around people, especially most new people.
4. it is very hard to pretend to care when i don't.
5. i am in most other ways incredibly self-involved.
6. i usually prefer learning things over experiencing things. and when i try to experience things, it's usually through a lens of what i've learned. normal people, i've found, get uncomfortable when you start analyzing the rest of the room.
7. obsessive.
8. too good at self-justification.
9. too trusting.
10. bitter bitter bitter.

10 things that i am weak for:
1. appropriately epic cultural references.
2. freckles.
3. really good kisses.
4. backrubs.
5. black clothing.
6. tattoos.
7. messy hair.
8. good scruff.
9. total respect.
10. a sense of adventure.

10 unacceptable things:
1. liars
2. baldness
3. guys with ponytails
4. the religious
5. conservatives
6. angry people
7. sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise exclusionary practices
8. long-distance
9. shit-talking
10. stagnance

trying to make my short list.
it is a fabulous distraction.
gotta get the ball rolling on this stuff more quickly, though.
also i should leave the house sometime this week.

seeing his picture or hearing his name still twists my stomach instantly into a cold knot.
i don't understand why this is happening.
i'm done.
i do not desire his presence or feel the sting of his absence.
i acknowledge that reconciliation is not an option. from my direction or probably his.

you walked every inch of my old house.
you followed me to LA and were the ghost in my dorm room.
you flicker into my reality even now, in the photos.

please stop haunting me.

I don't want to own you. I want to adore you.
And I certainly don't want you to own me.
Monogamy is capitalism.
I just want to share.

learn from everyone
follow no one
watch for patterns
work like hell

Facebook > Looking for > Fuck if I know.
All I know is that I want to get back and live up to some promises, and disentangle myself from others, and ride out the next year like it's the home stretch.

This trip was supposed to clear my cache but it hasn't as much as I wanted it to.
Still hurt.
Still think of him.
Still noticing the way the "mutual" friends edge off.
Sigh.
Maybe coming back to a new apartment, new roommate, new Santa Cruz, will eject this vile thing from me.
I am doing what I can.

Also, starting to wish that LA Distraction Animal was available for distractions up north, even though we're not terribly compatible. He's kind of a bro. Unironically. And he thinks D&D is silly, but cosplaying is acceptable? How does that work?
On the other hand, he asked me to fall asleep on him. Like, "curl up on my chest and pass out, please." Maybe I'm starved for touch & affection but how amazing is that?